*This is the talk I gave at Church a few weeks ago. There were a few people asking about it. So, here it is!
May 10, 2015
May 10, 2015
Good morning brothers and sisters. I am so grateful for this
opportunity to speak today. I have to commend the bishop on his speaking
assignment. He not only gave me a quote along with the surprising topic of
mothers for today, but he also gave me a reference of a wonderful talk to use.
The quote was by ElRay L. Christiansen and it reads: “So far, no worthy
substitute has been found for good mothers.
Without them, civilization is doomed to decay.”
As soon as I read that I thought to myself, well, no duh –
because trust me, if there were a substitute, I would have found it by now!
A good friend of mine who writes a popular Mormon blog, reminded
me of what we all are acutely aware of on this day: the fact that Mother’s Day
can sometimes be seen as a day that mother’s avoid coming to church due to the
inevitability of their feeling a sense of guilt or a sense of loss. He reminded
me to emphasize that truly Mother’s day wasn’t created for those who ARE
mothers, but rather for those who HAVE mothers! It is my prayer that as women
we will try to think less about ourselves this day and more about the many
mothers in our lives.
There is a classic story that has been told and re-told many
times in the circles of my family about my own mother. She is an amazing person
who raised 11 children to become above average adults, by the way. She was a
mother who always kept the house clean. I mean – not just ‘barely-manage-to-stay-off-the-TV-show-Hoarders’
clean, like me – but ‘honest-to-goodness-next-to-Godliness’ type of clean.
When she still had young children at
home, and some in every other stage of life with all the chaos that brings, a
lady once asked her very frankly “How do you do it all? Cook meals, play with
the kids, and keep such a clean house?” To which she matter-of-factly replied
“Oh – I don’t play with the kids”.
We always get a good
laugh out of this, but truth is, while she was always there for us when we
needed her, she didn't need to spend a lot of time indulging us with play because there were ALWAYS other siblings around to play with. Just one of the
benefits of having a large family.
My mother always had a healthy snack waiting for us after
school. She always had a smile on her face when we needed it. She always
volunteered to help us, and always always always had a clean house. I, on the other hand, tend to spend more time
playing, watching, reading, talking in made up accents, and teasing my own
kids, and not nearly enough time cleaning, cooking, or – what was that word
again…ironing!
What I have learned to be true is the fact that there are
definitely as many different parenting styles as there are parents, and that it
is O.K.
Two of the more popular styles of parenting that I have heard a lot
about lately are seemingly contradictory to one another. They are known as
“helicopter parenting” and “free-range parenting”. While the one seeks to be
super involved, over-protected, and constantly ‘hovering’ over the child, the
other is based on the notion “that we can give our children the same
kind of freedom we had [as kids] without going nuts with worry and that when
you let children out, good things happen as they gain self-confidence and
self-sufficiency from doing things on their own.
I personally tend to lean more towards free-range than
helicopter as a parent, but I believe that it is important to have elements of
both as we try to help our children navigate this crazy world that we are
living in. As I have thought about this,
I had a thought penetrate my mind, and it has remained there strongly as I have
been preparing for this talk, and preparing to send my children out into the
world on their own. The thought is a beautiful combination of the two extremes
in parenting, dependency and independence. It is what I have named the new IDOHG method.
It stands for “Independently Dependent On the Holy Ghost”.
What I mean by this is
that my end goal as a parent is to help each one of my children become
independently dependent on the Holy Ghost. I want them to depend on the Spirit
in every decision they make, the small things and the big ones. I honestly could die happy tomorrow if I knew
that my children could recognize the Spirit in their lives and would strive to
have it with them always.
Sometimes the following
conversation comes up with friends or family: “What is your biggest fear as a
parent?” or “Can you imagine losing a child?” Admittedly, my response to those
questions was always somewhere along the lines of “Well, honestly, my biggest
fear is that one of my children would leave the Church or that they would chose
to not get married in the temple. My fear has never been physically losing a
child, but rather spiritually losing a child.
As I have learned and
experienced more in life, I have changed my tune a little bit. Instead of having ideals of “missionary
service”, “temple marriage”, and “church activity” as an ‘end all’, I have
decided irrefutably that the one and ONLY goal that I have for my children is
for them to be dependent on the Holy Ghost. At all times. In all things. In all
places.
Why? Because circumstances
vary and life throws curve-balls to us all. Because we will each make mistakes
and sometimes outright stupid decisions. Because the way is unchanging and we
can ALWAYS come back to it at any point.
Only when we learn to depend on the influence of the Holy Ghost to guide
us will we truly be successful in life, will be truly be driven of our own
accord to follow the prophets, will we truly be happy.
A parent can talk to
their child about something over and over and over again, but at the very
critical moment of decision, when the parent is not around, if they do not have
the companionship of the Holy Ghost, then that is the very moment that the
influence of the adversary will be able to infiltrate. And every single time
that happens, then the Spirit is less and less with us.
How then can we as
parents instill in our children the ability to recognize the Holy Ghost and the
desire to live worthy of his companionship at all times? I believe that this will happen by simply returning
to the very same steps we each went through to get the GIFT of the Holy Ghost
in the first place.
I am certain that the majority of this congregation could repeat
the following article of faith along with me in their heads: “The first
principles and ordinances of the gospel are: First, faith in the Lord Jesus
Christ. Second, repentance. Third, baptism by immersion for the remission of
sins. And fourth, the laying on of hands for the gift of the Holy Ghost.”
FIRST: FAITH!!! As parents, as teachers, as influencers of
the youth around us, we first and foremost need to demonstrate faith. We can do this as we show to our
children that we have no need for fear. Faith is the very antithesis of fear.
Giving way to worry, anxiety, and fear, even in seemingly merited situations,
regarding the impending changes related to the second coming of the Lord will
not help our children to prepare for it. Fear is the natural man’s reaction.
Faith is the antidote for it. Two scriptures come to my mind on a near daily
basis, “If ye are prepared, ye shall not fear” and “Perfect love casteth out
ALL fear”.
Worried about what might happen to your
child? Constantly thinking of “what ifs” or “worst case scenarios”? You may need
to increase your recommended daily dosage of faith. Faith is increased as we
read the scriptures and hear over and over and over again of how GOD ALWAYS
WINS so that deep in our brains this becomes a solid fact and arms us with a
constant recollection of whose side we are on, and who is on our side!
“Perfect love casteth out all fear” is
something that as tiny humans we all tend to experience. When we are scared,
where do we turn? I, for one, remember several different occasions where I
would be standing calmly at the foot of my parents’ bed whispering “Mom, Dad,
I’m scared. Can I sleep with you?” To which their loving response was always to
envelope me in their arms, and let me sleep in the middle of them. To this day,
if I close my eyes, I can still recall the feeling of warmth, love, acceptance,
and an INSTANT dissolving of any fear as I lay between them. (Incidentally, I can also recall the feeling
of confusion the next morning as I would wake up on the floor next to their
bed.)
It is precisely this instinct to turn to our
mothers, to our parents in times of fear and doubt that Heavenly Father is
relying on for us to remember and to turn to Him in prayer. I know that there
is a real power in prayer, and that Heavenly Father hears each and every one of
our prayers.
When I was 19 and getting ready to leave on my mission, I began to
experience many trials. I knew that someone really did NOT want me to be going
out and serving the Lord. First I was in a pretty bad bike accident. A week
later, I was in a racquetball accident and lost several teeth. At this time in
my life, my family was living in Hong Kong, and I was living at BYU. My
roommate and I were driving down 1-15 in SLC on the way back to Provo. All of a sudden we hit what must have been an
invisible patch of black ice. The car began to spin and spin, doing several
360’s across all 5 lanes and facing oncoming traffic head on multiple times. It was the strangest thing, because while we
were spinning, I just knew that we were going to die. It wasn’t scary, I wasn’t
screaming. I just said to my roommate matter-of-factly, “We are going to die”.
Waiting to be hit head on by one of the many cars that were driving at 70 miles
an hour right at us, it felt suddenly as if we were somehow lifted up. After
what felt like minutes of sheer panic, the car stopped spinning and came to a
stop facing the wrong direction in the emergency lane. Nothing had hit us. Both
of us looked at each other in utter amazement and we instantly began to cry. We
pulled off the exit ramp, and said a prayer of thanksgiving to Heavenly
Father.
Later that night, when things
had calmed down, I got a call from my father in Hong Kong. He was just calling
to check on me to see how I was. He then proceeded to tell me of his experience
that morning before he left for the office. My parents lived about 40 floors up
in a high rise apartment in Hong Kong. Mom and Dad had already had their
morning prayers together and prayed for each child by name, as is their
habit. He kissed her goodbye and headed
out the door. In the elevator on the way down, he felt an impression to pray
for his children. He thought it was silly, because that is precisely what he
had just barely done. But the impression came again. So, he harkened the
prompting, and after reaching the parking garage, he turned back. He said that
he went all the way back up in the elevator, and back to his bedroom to again
kneel before the Lord and pray for each child.
As he told me this story, and what time it had happened, I realized that
although it was on the other side of the globe and across the International
Date Line, his second prayer on bended knee occurred at the precise moment that
our car was spinning on 1-15 in Utah.
I testify that HE IS THERE. HE IS WAITING TO
ENVELOPE US IN HIS ARMS WITH HIS PROTECTING AND PERFECT LOVE.
SECOND: REPENTANCE. This is one of the most abundantly available
yet severely underutilized resources known to mankind. Yes, I said resource. I
believe that there lies in repentance and it’s equally vital counterpart,
forgiveness, an actual source of power. A power so great that it has the
capacity to change not only the lives of the forgiven, but also the lives of
the forgiver. About 3 months ago, there was an occurrence that happened at home
between me and Emerson. I lost my cool and snapped at him. Overcome with
sadness at my own rash reaction, I asked him to please forgive me. He just
looked at me and said, “Give you what?” I saw that he didn’t understand what
forgiveness was, so I explained to him as simply as I could that when we do
something that we shouldn’t have done, and we say sorry to a person, we ask
them to forgive us and then if we forgive them we are telling them that it is
ok, that we still love them.” Well, he must have really remembered that little
lesson, because now he tells me several times a day that he forgives me, or
asks for my forgiveness. We will be driving in the car and he unbuckles his
seatbelt without my noticing, then as we make a turn and he tips over, he will
say, “Mom, will you forgive me for undoing my seatbelt?” Or if he wants more
chocolate milk when I have already said no, he will tell me: “I forgive you for
not giving me the chocolate milk”. While it is sometimes humorous, I do hope
that it is a word that will remain in his vocabulary and be used often as he
forms relationships with others throughout his life.
I recently heard a quote that struck me as
something I really needed to implement in my life. It was 5 simple yet powerful
words. “Forgive Everyone, Everything, Every time”.
THIRD: BAPTISM BY
IMMERSION
On my mission I was able to repeatedly teach
others of the importance of baptism. I would explain to them the beautiful
symbolism of baptism, of the burial of an old life and the resurrection to a
new one. I wish I could adequately
describe to you the look of hope in their eyes as they pondered the idea that
they could actually start anew, and then seeing the pure light in their eyes as
they were brought forth from the waters of baptism, pure and clean. As a child growing up in Argentina, I attended
many convert baptisms. At one point
while I was in Young Women’s, the thought occurred to me that by me being born
into the church, and thus baptized at a young age, I was denied this
opportunity to feel what it was like to start a completely new life. In my immaturity, I neglected to realize the
fact that I wasn't denied anything. The truth of the matter is that each and
every Sunday as I partake worthily of the sacrament, I can literally be reborn
and start over.
Taking the sacrament is the very reason why
we are each here today, the very reason why we are commanded to ‘meet together
oft’ and to renew our covenants.
At the Last Supper, Jesus explained the ordinance of the
sacrament as he ate with the Twelve Apostles:
· "Jesus
took bread, and blessed it; and he took the cup, and gave thanks."
· "Whoso
eateth my flesh, and drinketh my blood, hath eternal life."
If we ever let things
such as schooling, vacationing, sports, hobbies, work, or even sleep become
excuses to justify our missing the sacrament, no matter what location we are in
on the Sabbath day, then we are sending a powerful message to our children
through our actions that we do not really need the Savior’s atoning sacrifice
that week.
And once we begin to miss here and there, it becomes easier and easier to do. As we distance ourselves from weekly renewal of our sacred covenants, we are opening the door for the persuasions of the devil to enter into our hearts, to tell us that we are not good enough, not clean enough, and not worthy enough to partake of it. It doesn't matter if you feel like you have had a particularly good week or a rather rough week, there are blessing to be had by humbling ourselves and partaking of the sacrament in a spirit of repentance.
And once we begin to miss here and there, it becomes easier and easier to do. As we distance ourselves from weekly renewal of our sacred covenants, we are opening the door for the persuasions of the devil to enter into our hearts, to tell us that we are not good enough, not clean enough, and not worthy enough to partake of it. It doesn't matter if you feel like you have had a particularly good week or a rather rough week, there are blessing to be had by humbling ourselves and partaking of the sacrament in a spirit of repentance.
The world may preach the
need for us to take some ‘time out’ to ‘find ourselves’ to indulge in
activities of ‘renewal’, but there is no activity, no exercise, no practice, no
treatment that will provide the most essential RENEWAL that our souls need --- that
of the frequent RENEWAL of our baptismal covenants.
And FINALLY, FOURTH is
the GIFT OF THE HOLY GHOST. This is the end goal of steps one, two and three.
This is what we need to be with us every day, yea, even every hour of every
day.
It would be foolish to
think that just because we were baptized at any age and had received the gift
of the Holy Ghost that we would be able to feel it at-will forever after. We
need to live in a way that lets the Spirit guide us. In this last General
Conference, Elder Eyring talked of how we need to always be ready to receive
inspiration. Speaking to the priesthood he said:
“All of us must speak and
act in the name of God in moments when our unaided judgment will not be enough
without inspiration. Those moments can come upon us when there is not time to
make preparation. That has happened to me often.”
A scripture in
Deuteronomy states:
“And
thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when
thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou
liest down, and when thou risest up.” (Deut. 6:6-7).
Truly, this is ultimately the only goal I have of my parenting: to guide my children to have testimonies of their own, to encourage them on their way so that they can develop a relationship with the Lord and a strong desire for the companionship of the Holy Ghost. This is how we can help our children to be INDEPENDENTLY DEPENDANT on the HOLY GHOST.
Truly, this is ultimately the only goal I have of my parenting: to guide my children to have testimonies of their own, to encourage them on their way so that they can develop a relationship with the Lord and a strong desire for the companionship of the Holy Ghost. This is how we can help our children to be INDEPENDENTLY DEPENDANT on the HOLY GHOST.
To my own children, I
want to take a moment to express to you my deep love for the Savior. I know
that He lives. I know that only by Him and through Him will you ever find
lasting happiness. Maelynn and Landen,
Seth, Sadie and Lane, Miles and Emerson, please, please, please, if you
remember nothing else that I have ever told you or taught you, please remember
this: Live in a way to receive the
influence and inspiration from the Holy Ghost and ALWAYS follow the promptings
you receive.“
This is something that my own mother taught me. I know that she
has a relationship with the Lord and a rich history of the Spirit blessing her
life. I have seen it too many times to not know this. I have heard her testimony verbally and have seen
her live her testimony in a way that I know makes Heavenly Father proud of her.
I hope to pass on this same strength of testimony as a legacy to my children.
Being towards the tail end of my family, I have already lost all
grandparents on both sides, as has Greg. In preparing for this talk, I asked my
parents and my in-laws and also some other trusted friends whose parents have
died:
“What
do you miss the most about your mother?”
Every single response was essentially the same thing:
“I just miss her being there.”
“I miss her listening to me.”
“I miss hearing her voice”
“Just telling her about my joys and my struggles”
“I still want to call her up and talk to her and tell her about
things in my life.”
“I want to tell her the sad or exciting events in my life”
“She was such a good listener”.
“Sure I miss the cooking and all that, but mostly I just miss
having her THERE to talk to”.
After feeling the emotion as each of these people I love spoke
of their own mothers, I realized that just BEING THERE is what really really
matters. I have been reminded that I don’t need to provide amazing trips,
perfect meals, scheduled activities to fill every waking minute, gorgeous
clothes, or the latest technologies and toys. What I need to do more of is to
simply BE THERE.
I would like to
conclude with a beautiful tribute by Elder Holland from an address that he gave
in General Conference of 1997, the year I first became a mother:
“May I say to mothers
collectively, in the name of the Lord, you are magnificent. You are doing
terrifically well. The very fact that you have been given such a responsibility
is everlasting evidence of the trust your Father in Heaven has in you. He knows
that your giving birth to a child does not immediately propel you into the
circle of the omniscient. If you and your husband will strive to love God and
live the gospel yourselves; if you will plead for that guidance and comfort of
the Holy Spirit promised to the faithful; if you will go to the temple to both
make and claim the promises of the most sacred covenants a woman or man can
make in this world; if you will show others, including your children, the same
caring, compassionate, forgiving heart you want heaven to show you; if you try
your best to be the best parent you can be, you will have done all that a human
being can do and all that God expects you to do.”
I likewise echo these
sentiments and I know that God is our loving Father, and that His Son, Jesus
Christ came to the Earth for us. He lived to show us the way, He died to provide
us a way, and He will come again to take us the rest of the way. In the sacred name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
