Thursday, March 20, 2014

Sometimes you just gotta scream into a pillow....

Sometimes - when things build up inside of your head and your heart - you just need a good scream.
Sometimes you just need to scream into a pillow.
It just so happens that this little quiet innocent piece of a forgotten blog is my pillow at the moment.
I haven't been spending much time with this pillow lately. It's more like one that I put aside carefully as I got wrapped up in the blanket of school.
Speaking of family has been uber-supportive...for which I am grateful beyond measure.

OK - so about that little it goes.

Lately, there has been a lot of people that I know and love - and people that they know and love, getting caught up in some 'sidelines' and 'distractions'. Namely, things that are of a spiritual nature. I finally have to let it be known how I feel about it.

I am not completely naive to the ways of the world - to the ways of Satan.

Satan has always used the one thing he doesn't have to try and destroy the souls of men - our bodies. I have known this and seen this for a long time. It is in the rampant pornography, the now common foul and vulgar swear words regarding bodily functions, the glorification and normalization of extramarital sex.

 What else besides a mortal body for progression has Satan lost? Oh yeah, a family. So he attacks the very foundational unit of eternity - the family. I have been seeing and noticing these things were happening for a long long time. As a 5 year old I remember hearing the word "divorce" for the first time and actually crying into my pillow that night as my little 5 year old self tried to comprehend that such a word even existed. It seemed so contrary to anything 'normal' in my eyes. But over the years - I have begun to accept this and many other sad mortal ailments for what they are: the effects of human choice coupled with bounteous influences from Satan. I see it in the subtleties of everyday life - the degrading of parents in television and media, the popularization of teen motherhood, the Hollywood version of the 'perfect life' being all about finding and maximizing ones' SELF, never about sacrificing one's self for a marriage or a family. The steady increase in contraception, abortion, and general 'out-datedness' of having anything more than 1.2 children. 

The worldliness is something that I kinda saw coming as well. We are all guilty of it to some degree or another at times in our lives. People spending more time ON-line than IN-prayer. People seeking for glory and praise rather then giving it to God. People concerned more with what they HAVE than what they GIVE. People worrying about material possessions and homes and clothing and styles more than they do about their church callings and teaching their families the gospel. 

What I DID NOT SEE COMING or even imagine at all was the silent crumbling of faith in the prophets and apostles. The lack of reverence for their counsel and love. All my life as I would read scriptural accounts of people 'stoning the prophets', I fathomed it could possibly happen in our day, but it would be coming from the anti-Mormons and those people who just didn't understand the Church – not in a million years did I imagine it would come from a former Church leader in such a public mockery in a court of law.
Something else that I NEVER EVER IMAGINED is that the women of my faith would be so tempted to wish for priesthood. I have thought intensely about this and I honestly cannot fathom WHY they are seeking for this? It is such a sacred and holy gift – meant to be used to bless ALL of God’s children. Why are they doing this? In the name of “being heard” or “opening dialogue”? I have been an ordinance worker in the Holy temple of God. I have had the privilege of participating fully in pronouncing beautiful blessings from the Lord – but even in that very act I didn’t desire to be given the Priesthood. 
Is there even such a thing as a priestesshood? 
I don’t know. 
I don’t feel like I need to know. 
I don’t feel like I need to press the prophet to find out. 
There are just too many beautiful mysteries ahead that I am content to spend all my days on the Earth praising the Lord for the bountiful mercies and love He already bestows on me. 
I am a most unprofitable servant with the treasures I now have – why would I ask for more?
Every time I get to the 29th chapter of Alma, I read and feel empathy for the desires of Alma’s heart when he exclaims “Oh that I were an angel”…
Because let's face it - sometimes don't we all just want to shout it from the rooftops. (Or into a bloggy pillow?)
I know I want to. 
With all the love in my heart, I want to say to the women who are currently seeking for additional powers:
“Can you not see the power that is IN you? 
Can you not see the greatest power in this world – to create human life – is already within YOU? 
There is no greater power, no loftier goal, no higher aspiration, no grander position than to be able to bring forth the children of the Most High God to their next estate! 
Wake up! Wake up women! 
And then FALL to your knees in gratitude to your God for what He has entrusted to you. 
Stop spending your days in a vain and selfish pursuit for more when you don’t even realize the magnitude of what you have.”
But alas, I ought to be content with the testimony in my own heart, the love in my home, the covenant-keeping spouse that honors his priesthood with diligence, and the seven sweet spirits in my care.


  1. Beautifully said. I have to believe that the desire for "equality" roots in a lack of understanding of the true nature of our Father in Heaven. One who knows and understands His deep, unabiding love would see no need to supersede His Plan of Happiness for His children.

  2. This is so good, thank you for sharing your thoughts Viki!

  3. What would you say to a friend who is a member of OW and has tried time after time to use the greatest power in this world - to create human life - and has failed? I feel her desire to hold the priesthood is somewhat related to her inability to have children. I agree with what you are saying for sure! However, I don't feel that your closing argument would hold any real substance for her.

  4. So well put. I am new visitor to you blog and will be returning. I totally agree with what you have said here. Thank you!

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  6. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and testimony. Well said.

  7. I would say to her what Spencer Kimball has said best: "We realize that some women, through no fault of their own, are not able to bear children. To these lovely sisters, EVERY PROPHET of GOD has promised that they will be blessed with children in the eternities and that posterity will not be denied them."

    Also - I would say to my friend that if she is seeking for Priesthood authority as a way to 'make up' for infertility, then she does not have a deep enough understanding of the Lord's plan. I am not trying to belittle or to make anyone feel 'less than', even I myself do not have a perfect understanding. I was merely trying to express through my post how frustrated I have become with the incessant need for attention that these 'movements' are getting. Sometimes, the best way to answer a burning question or even to heal a broken heart is through quiet reflection and pondering, huge leaps of faith in the unknown, and frequent petitioning to the Lord for humility in our hearts. I feel sorrow and compassion for the sisters who are caught up in this movement. I also feel like people are tiptoeing around the fact that Satan is very real and is involved and happy to see any and all sorts of divisions within the Church. Remember - we cannot truly be a Zion people unless we are all of "ONE HEART and ONE MIND".

  8. Here is what I know: Heavenly Father love us, He is fair, He all knowing, and He is wise. That is all I feel I need to know in this mortal state. All of His children have access to Him. I don't need to hold the Priesthood to benefit from it.

    As for Rhonda's friend is infertile and struggling... I would gently remind her of the first 4 things I listed and of the Lord's timetable. I went through 6 failed adoptions, 1 miscarriage, and countless rounds of fertility treatments before coming to peace with the idea that perhaps I wasn't meant to be a mother in this lifetime. There was a conference talk about how some are spared the experience because they are already have the skills necessary. I must have gotten a little too smug because after 21 years of marriage we were blessed with a little miracle. She's a busy little 3 yr old that keeps me on my toes and I am constantly reminding myself of the first 4 things I mentioned when I question why I was given this blessing now. I am so grateful that I don't have to add Priesthood responsibilities to the load of womanhood and motherhood.

  9. "That's What She Said" Sent me this way, as did "Middle-Aged Mormon Man." Thank you for your powerful words and testimony! I loved this post!

  10. When I worked with the brethren leading our ward and saw the tremendous burdens they carry, particularly having to make decisions during courts and dealing with all of the problems people have, I was so very thankful to not have their responsibilities. It felt like a protection to me to have them carry those burdens.

  11. Wow. That was beautiful. Thank you

  12. I would also say to Ronda's friend that part of us agreeing to come to earth was to be tried and tested. I can't imagine how hard the trial of infertility would be. We have trials because they help us to rely on the Lord. To have faith in Him and know we need Him and His Atonement. In Alma Chapter 7 it tells us starting in verse 11 speaking of Christ "And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people. And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities." The Atonement is not only for sins. It is for all our pains and injustices. I don't know all the answers or how it works exactly, but I know that through Jesus Christ we are made whole. That he is fair and just and merciful and will make things right. I don't know why people can't have children which is the most righteous desire one can have. I don't know why some people aren't able to get married in this life. I don't know why kids are even allowed to get cancer or any scary illness like that. I don't know why people are born with bodies that don't allow them to think or move or see or hear like the rest of us. I don't know why mothers are forced to bury children. I don't know why children are allowed to be violated by adults. But I know that all the things in this life that aren't fair and aren't right will be made fair and right. We must seek for solace in the only place we can truly find it. In His arms and grace. Thank you Viki! I'm excited to find this blog.

  13. I agree. Thanks for posting!

  14. Beautifully written. Thank you. I will be following your blog. I need to help my grandchildren understand things too. I like the idea of blog to them with my life experiences, testimony, my unsolicited advice etc.

  15. Beautifully stated. I experienced years of infertility. I finally had a successful pregnancy at age 34, and another at age 36. I regard those events as miracles. I'm now almost 40, and it is pretty clear I'm not going to have the big family I always wanted, at least not in this lifetime. During those years before becoming a mother, I served as a primary president and a relief society president. I never felt diminished in my role as a woman. I never felt undervalued as I served on ward councils. We don't need to hold the priesthood to do the Lord's work. We don't need to be ordained to partake of every blessing that God has for his children. Nothing is withheld from women. Every blessing is ours. Our responsibilities may be different, but our value and importance is not. Who am I to complain about the work the Lord has designated for me to do? I accept his will, trust in his doctrine, and follow his prophet.

  16. I've tried to take time to read this ever since you posted it. Love it! Wishing I could express these exact feelings as well as you do, I feel exactly this same way. Such inappropriate wants to ask of He who is perfect, and has created the Plan of Salvation perfectly - to ask Him to change the way He does things? WOW? I'm trying not to be judgmental, but at the same time not be so tolerant of all of the things that society seems to think is normal now.

    Love you, and love the beauty and honesty in your writing.

  17. Tears of Gratitude --- This mother's heart rejoices in being taught so well by a beautiful daughter.